Riki’s Ramblings

Riki’s Random Ramblings

I am making a list of things to do. This is normal for me. Getting them all done is not normal for me. Sometimes, when I look at the list at the end of the day, I have to write down some of the things I did that weren’t originally on my list, just so I have something that I can check off the list. Since May 28, 2022, there was a module in a class that was on my list every day. That was the date that I started my orientation class for Western Governor’s University, with the goal of earning a double major in Elementary Education and Special Education. Today, March 18, 2024, I did my last task for my last class in the program. Tomorrow, I will not have any coursework to put on my to do list.

How do I feel? I think it would be easier to describe how I think I OUGHT to feel. I should feel proud, relieved, grateful. I think I am feeling a bit of each of those. But overshadowing those is the sense that this is a false summit. Anyone who has done any hiking knows what a false summit is. From down below, it looks as though you are very close to the top of the mountain. When you reach the summit, you find out that there is more mountain climbing up before you that was not visible below. False summit.

I have no more classwork to do, unless my last task bounces back needing some rewrites. But now I have entered the practical phase of my degree plan. I have 75 hours of observation this semester. This will be followed by a summer full of testing (thanks to the complexity of the New Mexico Public Education Department, there are an additional three state-required content examinations, on top of the three I already passed for graduation requirements). In the fall, I will complete twelve weeks of student teaching, most likely in the Edgewood/Moriarty School District, along with a teacher portfolio, and various other projects. THEN, at the end of November, 2024, I will be officially done.

When I decided to go back to school, I had just seen Victoria graduate from High School, drawing to a close 19 years of home education. I was deep in the throws of a neuro-psychological disorder, and had just made the agonizing decision to end my marriage of 26 years. Suicidal ideation and a substantial eating disorder were warning signs that the life I was living was unsustainable. The last 22 months have been the most difficult of my life, but the changes that are being wrought are bringing me restoration of health, both physically and emotionally. Through the great transition, my school work has been a safe place I could go to pour myself into learning. It has served as an anchor. And I will miss the stability and safety it provided me.

Kelly says that it is very normal for people to experience false summits as they move through their academic careers. His wisdom, sympathy, and humor helped me again today to stop the downward slide toward suffocating anxiety. I don’t know what I will put on my to-do list for tomorrow. My collie is blowing coat, so I should have a bath and a brush for her on the list. I have some letters I want to write. It is warming up outside, almost time to hang up my yoga swing and to tackle some outdoor gardening. Music and art are always good things to develop. I also have some children’s books that are wanting to be written. For now, maybe just sitting in front of the wood stove with a cup of Earl Gray is ok. Maybe I need to learn to be OK with myself, even if I am not accomplishing much. Maybe there is no wrong way to feel, but only better or worse ways to respond to those feelings. At least now I have time and a safe space to think about it a while before I get back to productivity.